Residence: Uncertain

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Mon, 14 May 2012 20:29:10 -0400

I want you to know.

Mon, 14 May 2012 19:54:55 -0400

How much you hurt me. I want you to feel that pain. To be alone. In agony. To have no one to talk to. To feel hopeless. To stop caring. Stop trying.

I could slit your throat but that wouldn’t be enough.

I thought I was over this. But no, that’s a lie. I always knew that I wasn’t. Might never be.

I hope I will be.

You left me. Alone. In the woods. Crying every night, making myself sick over and over again, chain smoking. Hoping for cancer. Hoping that some how I would just die. Maybe I’d get in a car accident. It wouldn’t be so bad if I just lost control of my car and drove over the edge, careening to my death.

I needed you. You said it was my fault. Said I ruined your life. How? By trying to save you? By telling the truth? No. I didn’t ruin anything.

You ruined me. I will never trust anyone the way I trusted you. All those years.

Tell me, who was it that was there for you when your world was falling apart? When you had no hope left? Who was it that came to your rescue when you had no friends? When no one wanted to be with you and everyone was just annoyed with your existence?

Have you forgotten all those years I spent helping you? All those great times we went out, sneaking through the field to look at the moon at night. Our trips downtown to be silly and go thrifting?

Did none of that mean anything to you?

You told me once that you knew. Knew we would be friends forever. You wanted me to be your Maid of Honor at your wedding.

I knew you were right. Knew you were serious. With all your flaws, all the times I dealt with your craziness, I still wanted to be with you.

But then, when I needed you most… You disappeared. Dropped off the map. Left me alone to pick up the pieces- the pieces that I couldn’t lift.

You weren’t there. And I killed myself. I committed suicide. Because YOU WEREN’T THERE.

Do you understand that? Maybe. Maybe you do. But you don’t know about that.

Sometimes I just want to drive to your house, break down the door and yell at you,

YOU LEFT ME AND NOW I’M BROKEN. IRREPARABLE. FINISHED. I WANTED TO DIE. I WAS FULLY PREPARED TO DIE, AND YOU DON’T KNOW.

You just keep living your life. Nothing is wrong, it’s all peachy keen for you, isn’t it? A future ahead of you, college, good grades, relationships….

Not for me.

I can’t love. I have never been in love and I don’t know if I ever will be. When you left me… I never thought it would be forever. I thought it would be something that we would both get over, and eventually we’d repair our friendship.

No.

That didn’t happen, isn’t happening.

I want you to feel pain.

This is where my sociopathic tendencies come in. The reason I’m so goddamn violent.

I want to rip you to shreds. Kill everything you love in front of you. But not kill you. Oh no. You should want to kill yourself. Wish you were dead.

And finally when you’d beg me, I’d let you do it. I’d let you finish off the job….

and then save your life. Because that’s one thing that you wouldn’t be able to deal with. It would ruin you. Forever. I don’t want you to be okay. I want you to be as horrible and as broken as I am.

You’re a weak human being. You always have been. Susceptible to rumors, chaos and darkness. It would be so easy to break you. To ruin your life. Just to see you cry. Apologize to me. That’s all I want. Closure.

Because you never even let me have that, did you? You just left me hanging there, no pun intended, on the noose. Waiting for the drop. And when the drop finally came, you didn’t even know. Didn’t feel any remorse, guilt, pain. And That is what you owe me.

So if I ever break. If I ever let myself breakdown, give in to my true feelings, you can bet that I’ll be coming to you first. And you should know exactly why.

I won’t. No, not now. Because I’m better than that. Better than you. And I can’t give up like that again.

braethegay: kiaraisgay: Sublime - Caress Me Down Uhhhhh and...

Wed, 09 May 2012 12:53:15 -0400

braethegay:

kiaraisgay:

Sublime - Caress Me Down

Uhhhhh and the girl caress me down.

Yesss

horridtaste: because an anon messaged me for a pic of my...

Sun, 06 May 2012 18:19:01 -0400

horridtaste:

because an anon messaged me for a pic of my forearm tattoo :)

There’s nothing good or bad,

but thinking makes it so.

-Shakespeare’s Hamlet

aaaaaand now I’m off! toodles!!

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Sun, 06 May 2012 16:03:53 -0400

thestillmidnightpoet: I told him If he helped me escape I’d give him my life He killed me The next...

Sun, 06 May 2012 14:22:48 -0400

thestillmidnightpoet:

I told him
If he helped me escape
I’d give him my life

He killed me
The next day

By: Suomia

Horrid Taste: Tumblr, Followers, As we near the witching hour, I wish to you that your day past was an ever eventful one.

Sun, 06 May 2012 04:13:55 -0400

Horrid Taste: Tumblr, Followers, As we near the witching hour, I wish to you that your day past was an ever eventful one.:

horridtaste:

Watch the moon tonight

it is raining

my senses are busted

lines running across my face

clustering in my nasal cavity

the rain smacks the windowpane

hard as if it were a tin roof

like the ones I grew up with

sheets and sheets of rain

busting on my windowpane

who’s house are you looking…

Horrid Taste: Dreamscathe

Sun, 06 May 2012 04:12:25 -0400

Horrid Taste: Dreamscathe:

horridtaste:

I am in a dormitory. It is Shriner, except for that the rooms are all on the left side of the hall. The Hallway is more expansive, and I discover that on the left side, there are hidden doors that I decide to explore. I go in and find that the area behind the wall is comprised of hidden rooms…

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Thu, 05 Apr 2012 07:56:22 -0400

I'm tired of this horrible insomnia and awful dreams when I do sleep. :(

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 16:23:11 -0400

psychofactz: http://www.psychofactz.com/

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 08:00:06 -0400

psychofactz:

http://www.psychofactz.com/

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Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:05:05 -0400

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Mon, 26 Mar 2012 08:00:06 -0400

You used to be my third arm, my best friend, my extension. I would cook your family food, we'd go see movies and geek over concerts together, we'd sift through emotions and cry about boys together when we weren't discussing escapades we'd been on with the opposite sex. But now you're gone. You hate me. You aren't there anymore. And I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. Every time I drive past your house, I see us standing in the yard, sneaking off to go to the park at night. I can't do this. Why won't you listen to my apologies and at least acknowledge my existence. I trusted you more than I trusted myself. And now I can't trust anyone.

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 02:01:27 -0400

darksilenceinsuburbia: Jannick Deslauriers. Pavots,...

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 01:37:59 -0400

darksilenceinsuburbia:

Jannick Deslauriers. Pavots, 2008-2009.

http://www.jannickdeslauriers.com/

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Mon, 26 Mar 2012 01:36:26 -0400

The sounds that memories make

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 01:24:00 -0400

What do I miss?

I miss those days when I though that I was in love. In love with those moments, the smells, the sun on the lake. When I thought I was in love with camp.

Do you know what I did that afternoon? When no one knew where Danny and I were? We weren’t off gallivanting or having sex like rabbits, we were enjoying the day. He and I walked down to the waterfront and stood there, skipping rocks until the sun started to go down. We were just goofing off. Laughing, splashing, pushing each other. Harmless, clean fun. And the air was soft and cool. My eyes were open, taking in all of the light. And it was just me, and everything I loved.

splash, rustle, giggle

Danny found me a rock that day. I still have it, it calms me down more than anything. It’s not my usual type of rock, and I didn’t like it at first. It’s misshapen, rough and not easy to just palm. But now I appreciate the rock for what it is. After you stole me, I slept with it every night for three months.

Ah, but I digress. After all of this, the sky began to darken and we stole back up to the campsite and snuggled into my cot together. We talked, and traced each other’s palm lines and eventually fell asleep together.

calm, silence

A quarter after 10, another staff member comes in and tells Danny to clear out. I don’t blame him for this. He was just trying to keep us out of trouble. But if Danny had been there, it wouldn’t have happened. But I can’t think about that.

You stole in, in the middle of the night. Awakening me from my sleep to ruin my life. I regret one thing that night, and it was being naiive enough to trust you. I had been with you for seven weeks and I considered you good friends. Brothers even, if I dare compare you even slightly to a family member.

But your intentions were nothing close to brotherly acts of kindness.

The beers and the weed helped you out. But how was I to know what you were going to do? I’m used to hanging out with guys, and I didn’t even stop to think that this could happen. Especially nt three against one.

But I was wrong, wasn’t I? I was so drunk and affected by the weed that I had only smoked once before, that I was blacking out. I don’t remember a lot of what happened, and I thank whatever entity I owe for that. I remember his breath. And his sweat. But mostly your thrusting. Your violation.

As if it were revenge. Revenge for what? I had never done anything to you. I had been nice, and given you the benefit of the doubt. But above all, I respected and trusted you. But I could never say that again.

throb, throb, throb, stab, scrape

Because what you took that night from me was way worse than I could have imagined. You took my will to fight. I had seen in your eyes something that frightened me so much I couldn’t move.

I went into survival mode. I wanted it over as soon as I possibly could. I went through the motions. Don’t judge me. I was in shock and panicking. Don’t you blame this on me. I needed a way out.

But I stopped being able to bear it. Three against one is a hard ratio to swallow when you are in my position.

My mind gave out well before my body. I was a headless chicken, running around. Trying to find my head again.

The last thing I remember is someone saying stop, no, i can’t.

bounce, tremble, throb, shove, thrust, scrape

I blacked out again and I was curled up in a ball away from all of you. Then you spoke up. And when you told the others to stop, I didn’t believe what was happening.

The next thing I know, I’m running around, helping you clean up the scene of the crime. Yes. Helping you. But what else could I do? The only thing on my mind was getting to the shower.

Your hand on my arm. I can’t feel anything anymore. And you whispered to me “If you want to talk to someone, let me know. I’m here for you.” I couldn’t register this at the time, but every time I get a flashback of this moment, you make me want to puke.

The ride back was horrible and drawn out. I had a mantra in my head of going to the shower. All I wanted was to take a shower. But I was also afraid. My brain started to come back. I needed to blend in. I was so scared of all of you. I didn’t want you to know that I was upset… because when it’s three against one, I’m not taking chances with my life.

darkness, nothingness, emotionless

You thought I was okay, that everything was fine. And that’s when I blacked out again. The next thing I remember is pulling up to the bathhouse and running up to the same stall I had been in earlier out of habit.

I locked the door and then backed up and stood there, staring at it as if something was going to come through it at me. I heard his breath as he walked by my stall door, mumbling and scuffling the ground.

I tore my clothes off. They didn’t smell like me anymore. The smelled like dirt, sweat, bodies, and sick. The colors looked wrong around me. I ripped the shower on and thrust myself in. I didn’t let the air out of my mouth until the curtain was shut.

Sliding against the wall, I couldn’t feel the water pelting my back. Steam was hovering around the shower, but I couldn’t feel the heat.

black, darkness, surrender, lifelessness

I remember wishing for soap and then waking up in the shower, still leaning against the wall. I must have blacked out then too. I rinsed my mouth out as best as I could and rubbed off all of the dirt.

I stepped out of the shower and looked at my clothes. I had to put them back on. The things that were evidence of what I did. What you had me do. I didn’t want to touch them or see them ever again, much less put them back on.

I emotionlessly put my clothes back on and slowly opened the door. I was greeted by silence. The woods were the only things moving out there that I could see. And I was much less worried about meeting with a deer than a human at that point.

tremble, throb, slide, thrust, scrape choke

I stepped out of the stall and looked down. I had no shoes on. I flashed back to when you stole me out of my tent and he carried me to your car. I wanted to puke again. The only thing I allowed myself to think about was my pillow.

And I made it there. I made it blindly through the woods and to my tent that night. I tore my clothes off and threw them across the tent. I got into bed and closed my eyes until sleep came.

I’m not done with you.

You’ve stolen so much from me, and you’ll never know. Not really.

I will never be done with you.

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Sat, 24 Mar 2012 21:27:21 -0400

Hi, I’m Sweetiepielemons Residence: Uncertain Welcome to...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:52:15 -0400

Hi, I’m Sweetiepielemons
Residence: Uncertain
Welcome to my blog :3

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Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:43:11 -0400